Gulf Epilogue
by 27000ants
Summary: The fleet achieved a stunning victory at Leyte, but at a cost, a cost borne only by one Shipgirl and the man she loves. This is a sequel to my Anthologies of the Gulf series. I thank everyone who has read and left reviews, and encourage you to check it out before reading this.
1. Chapter 1

October 26, 2023,

Well, it's been almost 3 years since my last entry. I guess having someone at my side all this time sort of negated the need for a therapeutic journal; but given what happened I guess I can't complain I brought this on board.

I don't really know where to start and my mind's a mess. I'm writing as the thoughts pop into my head and even now it feels incoherent, never mind when I pick this up for review a week later. I shall start at the beginning I guess.

After Haruna broke down on the deck I carried her down to the infirmary. I told the Akashi and the others that she didn't feel well, because telling them the whole story at this juncture is a terrible idea. Akashi assured me she would be able to do a full checkup tomorrow. Funnily enough she is now in the same bed that I was on when I passed out earlier.

I sat by my darling the whole time, silently, for fear of saying something wrong. Her sobbing didn't stop; only the tears dried up. She literally cried herself to sleep. I held her hand the entire time, but hers was just limp.

I asked an orderly to fetch my journal after she fell asleep. I just… I just couldn't leave her. I really don't know what to feel as I'm writing this. I guess the emotions would come soon enough, but to think I could have prevented this…

I guess all I can do now is to fall asleep on this chair. Between reading the medical reports and the AARs and being ready to respond to counterattacks, tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Good night darling, I'll be here when you wake up tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

October 27, 2023,

I got my hands on Haruna's injury report. It states the following:

"At 1442 Haruna was at the vanguard of an ad-hoc formation. She deliberately broke formation to draw fire, being hit by 3 suicide-dives and 2 large-caliber shells almost instantaneously. Yukikaze was first to attend to her after launching the final attack on Escort Water Princess 73 (now held captive). She notes heavy bleeding from the lower abdomen or upper thigh despite the lack of obvious wounds. Haruna was brought back to the support fleet rendezvous point to await the arrival of the command ship to use the medical facilities on board."

It seems the first responders weren't aware of the reality. I follow on with Akashi's medical report:

"Haruna was attended to at 1630. She was conscious; her condition was stable. Injuries consistent with information on injury report: 3 aircraft hits; 2 on the rigging and 1 on left thigh; 2 hits from 16in equivalent shells, 1 on the rigging and 1 to lower abdomen. No penetrations or broken bones. Basic scans show no internal damage. Reports of heavy abdominal bleeding attributed to menstrual flow. Her mental state seemed unnatural and she was mostly unresponsive. She seemed shell-shocked, almost catatonic at times. Would recommend 2-3 days of rest for physical injuries to heal and close supervision until her mental state improves. Opted to discharge her to let her change into a fresh uniform and rest in her bunk to make space for other patients."

Akashi did not put 2 and 2 together, and I don't think she was feigning ignorance. It is likely she has deemed it impossible for shipgirls to get pregnant.

Haruna has still been catatonic for most of the day. She woke up before I did, and curled up into the fetal position lying on her side facing away from me, staring into emptiness. I tried talking to her, asking if she is alright, but there was only silence. She refused to eat, drink, or even take a bite of her favourite candy bar. She didn't even want to look me in the eyes. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I can ask for help. I don't want High Command to know what's going on. I can't trust anyone who isn't a shipgirl assigned to my base, yet if even Akashi does not think shipgirl pregnancies are possible, I don't know how they would take the news, let alone if any of them will be able to help in a meaningful way.

Fixing this is going to take some time. As far as operational responsibilities go, I have nothing left on my plate, since the fleet's job is done, and the only duty left is to be on standby to repel counterattacks. I hope the command team could afford a few days of my absence, as much as I hope that Haruna will be alright.

Please be alright, darling. Please...


	3. Chapter 3

October 28, 2023,

An attaché from High Command made an unscheduled visit to the front today. I had 30 minutes of warning before he arrived. It's not like I had anything I needed to prepare, but knowing those goons, there would be questions asked if they saw Haruna in the sick bay without any visible injuries. From my time in logistics I know there are a few black projects eating up resources with certain girls assigned to them, and I shudder thinking of the repercussions if they discover Shipgirls can get pregnant. Or maybe they have already done such experiments.

This is just so fucked up.

In any case I had to move Haruna somewhere he would not want to check or had any reason to visit, so I carried her to my own cabin. When I lifted her up she was still catatonic and her skin was cold to the touch. I had her in a princess carry, like I was hoping to do at our wedding, yet there was nothing romantic about this.

I was walking down the stairs, gazing straight ahead in a dead stare, taking one step at a time, when I felt something on my cheek. It was her hand, weakly running along my jawline, her fingers lingering on my chin. I stop, my head instinctually following her hand down, savouring the sensation of her touch, hoping for her hand to cradle my chin, like the old days. Time froze in this moment, the moment when she physically and emotionally reached out to me for the first time since the battle was over, seeking consolation, seeking the assurance, in her words, that everything will be alright. I looked down. My eyes met hers. I saw the pain of loss, the longing for warmth, the desire to return to the status quo. I remained enthralled by those hazel pools as I subconsciously moved in for a kiss. My head tilted to stop our noses from colliding. I felt her breath on my lips. Her eyes fluttered in invitation. But at the last moment the same hand that was caressing my cheek was nudging my lips away as she turned away in anguish.

I did not insist to continue. You cannot rush the healing of physical wounds; emotional wounds take longer to heal, if ever.

The attaché came and went without much incident. He did however visit the sick bay and skim through the injury files, to "get a sense of causality statistics". Chances are that he wasn't hiding anything and was legitimately trying to get estimates that will help in future planning, but I know there are things I am not being told.

It is night now and I am writing this entry as she is lying next to me, again in the fetal position with her back to me. I chose to keep Haruna in my bunk for now to let her have the privacy she needs, and I will be next to her whenever possible for when she needs someone she knows and loves to be there when she reaches out again.

If she reaches out again…

And until that happens, I will be here.


	4. Chapter 4

October 29, 2023,

There have been reports of high-altitude reconnaissance raids over our position, but the command team assured me they'll manage without me. Our relationship is an open secret, but what I'm doing now should be raising some red flags. No doubt there is theory-crafting going on, but I guess they are not pursuing anything out of respect. Anyway, I have covered for some of them in the past, so I guess it is fair that they return the favour, but in any case I will have to thank them all personally when the job is done.

The other girls also seem to have noticed my absence. Shigure visited my cabin this morning to check up on us, and I assured her we are managing. Later Yukikaze came to bring us lunch. I expected her to come down sooner or later, given the circumstances.

I invited her into the cabin to have a chat, offering her a candy bar from my own stash so it wouldn't be awkward for her watching us eat. I don't hold anything against her though, since the two of us basically brought this upon ourselves.

I got Haruna into a sitting position on the bed facing the desk. I sat next to her, and Yukikaze next to me. It was quiet at first, with only me eating and the two girls just looking at their food.

"Yukikaze," I said, "don't beat yourself up over what happened. You took a gamble; I took a gamble;, Haruna took a gamble; Life is a gamble. I don't know what you where thinking, but I know for a fact that when Haruna was drawing fire, she believed deep down that she would win that gamble."

I know I did.

"But that is the thing about taking chances. It ain't a guarantee, and sometimes…sometimes we lose," I got lost in my own thoughts for a moment, but I quickly snapped back.

"So, I can't force you to accept everything that happened, but if you thought what I said made sense, please, for the three of us here, take a bite of that candy and give us a smile," I said, smiling softly, or at least pulling off what could technically be a smile.

Yukikaze looked at me with unsure eyes for a moment, before gingerly biting off a chunk of the candy bar, forcing her own smile. Haruna sat silently the whole time, listlessly nudging the rice and gravy around the food tray, occasionally bringing some of it up to her mouth – an improvement, I guess.

Yukikaze left after we finished, taking the food trays with her. Haruna remained hunched over the desk, head supported by her right hand, looking forlorn at the framed picture – the picture of the two of us at that Christmas party.

I scooched closer to her, reaching for her left hand on her lap. She does not recoil, instead resting her head on my shoulder. My other hand reached for the picture, thumb gently caressing the image.

"Things were simpler back then, weren't they?"

I felt a small nod.

"There is no going back to those days, is there?"

Her head shook. My thoughts exactly.

Silence followed for what felt like hours. I felt my shoulder getting damp. I knew what I needed to do. I put my arms around her and pulled her in close. The sobbing became audible. I felt something on my own cheek.

It is a step. A small one, but a step nonetheless.


	5. Chapter 5

October 30, 2023,

It is amazing how the two of us can fit onto the narrow bed in my cabin. The whole time I have let Haruna have the bed while I took the narrow floor space under the desk between the bed and the wall, but I woke up this morning to find myself spooning Haruna, my face buried deep in Haruna's hair.

All I remember from last night was me writing in my journal after dinner, with Haruna slumped against me, eyes blankly staring at the words on the page. I finished the entry and was going to slide under the table to lie down, but Haruna suddenly latched onto my arm. I guessed she still needed me there physically, so I did not resist. I clutched her skirt with my free hand as I let my head rest on hers. And we sat there in silence, finding solace in each other's presence. I tried to initiate heart-to-heart talk a few times, but to no success. Ultimately I must have fallen asleep, and only my darling knows what happened after that.

I wanted to get up, but when I tried to move my arms, Haruna immediately tightened her grip and pressed herself more aggressively against me.

I chose to not resist. I guess we all need the comfort of others. We lay in silence, but I could tell from her erratic breathing that she was sobbing.

After some time there was a knock on the door. From the voices I heard it was Yamagumo and Asagumo coming down to deliver us breakfast. I shouted through the door that we weren't hungry and that we would eat more during lunch, but still appreciated the gesture anyway.

We lay there for many more hours. The whole time I was caressing Haruna with my free hand, occasionally giving her a light kiss on her nape – the only thing I can do, really. I thought of the distant days back in the base, where we would do the same thing on our precious few days off, except that every peck would be reciprocated by a giggle; every touch returned; every sweet muttering quickly silenced with a kiss. But now, there was only silence.

Haruna suddenly sat up. She sat motionless for a few moments, before slowly tucking her knees into her chest, and burying her face in them. The sobbing became audible. I guess she too was thinking of the days long past, a time we can never return to. I sat up as well, wrapping the thin blanket around her, embracing her from behind, as the sobbing died down slowly.

These precious memories that we cling onto, they bring us comfort and pain. We want to forget, to not be sedated by an illusion, and yet, we just can't let go. We cannot be stuck in the past, and yet, and yet…

And yet…

It feels so good.


	6. Chapter 6

November 1, 2023,

Yesterday was fucked up.

The one time I had to leave the cabin for an operations meeting, this shit happens. It was a critical meeting regarding the handing over of securing operations and the withdrawal of the breakthrough units that are no longer required. I could have skipped the fucking meeting, if it weren't for the fact those morons failed to consider the fact that abyssal aircraft have effectively twice their normal range if they employed suicide tactics. Maybe if those numbnuts collectively found 2 brain cells to rub together, I wouldn't have been greeted by the shit that transpired when I got back.

I came back to the cabin and knocked on the door. No response – not unexpected. I gently opened the door to find Haruna naked, bloodshot eyes staring into blank space while repeatedly cycling the Arisaka I was issued. The locker door was ripped open; the box of ammo had its contents strewn across the floor.

I rushed over and grabbed the rifle out of her hands. I saw it then – 5 spent cartridges, 5 flattened bullets, 5 distinct bruises under her chin.

Oh God, writing that out brings the shock and horror back.

I slung the rifle and gathered all the ammo on the floor. A quick count verified that all but the 5 spent rounds were accounted for. I kept a clip for emergencies and tossed the rest overboard.

The box hadn't hit the water when I was back in the cabin. I knelt down in front of Haruna, my hand gingerly feeling over her bruises. No reaction from her. At this moment I am hit with a wave of indescribable anguish and despair, as if I had seen the love of my life die before my eyes.

That might as well have been the case here.

The emotions in me came to a head. I grabbed Haruna around her waist and buried my face into her lap and began to sob uncontrollably. I cried for what must have been hours, until the tears ran dry.

We already lost someone. I can't lose anyone else.

I must have fallen asleep where I was, because the next thing I knew, I was lying on the bed naked with Haruna in my arms. She must have moved me while I was asleep. The rifle was in the locker and the uniform I was wearing had been hung up. This time, I was able to get up without resistance. The first thing I did was to check that the clip was still in the pocket I hid it in. It was. I moved it to another pocket in case she found it while stripping me and set about writing this entry while she was still sleeping.

I've never really considered the effects of my own mortality until now. I have been on my own until I met Haruna, but even then I still took my youth for granted; after all, if the faces around you don't age, soon you will forget that you can't just keep chugging on forever. Eventually the war would end, the Shipgirl corps disbanded, and the girls integrated into society. Haruna and I would buy land on a tropical beach, far from prying eyes, and live in happiness with each other until we die.

Or at least until I die.

I never considered what would happen to Haruna after I'm gone. She will definitely outlive me, by how long, I do not know, and it pains me to consider that this, the mental torment and crippling sadness she is going through now, may once again rear its ugly head, and that will be something my darling will have to face alone.

I don't think anything can make me leave the cabin anymore, not until we get back to base at least.


	7. Chapter 7

November 3, 2023,

There were no disturbances yesterday, outside of meal deliveries. I was going to spend the day sorting through the after-action reports, or rather, that is what I planned to do. In reality I was sitting at the edge of the bed at the desk bolted onto the wall, mindlessly shuffling through the increasingly creased set of papers in my hands. My eyes were seeing the words, my mind perceiving nothing. Haruna was sitting beside me, slumped against my shoulder, also staring blankly at the reports.

Lunch was delivered by Ooyodo. She tried to make some small talk at the door, mostly about how she and the party from my base that was attached out were doing, at the same time thanking me for the phone call. I played it cool, or at least tried to. I think that may have rubbed her the wrong way, or maybe this whole ordeal made me appear more haggard than I'd imagined, because she quickly excused herself and left.

I came back to find Haruna had started drawing something on one of the blank papers. I sat back down at the desk, choosing not to interfere. Her expression was blank, pencil strokes rough, but after a while it became clear what she was trying to sketch.

We had always talked about what we wanted to do after the war was over. The idea of just retiring to a private offshore island near the base and building our own cabin by the tropical beach was always toyed with. We would talk about the details, down to the engraving of the window stills, but we never actually took the idea seriously, given how unlikely we would just "get" an island after everything goes back to normal.

This time, however, we have every right to indulge ourselves in this fantasy. I picked up another pencil and wrapped my right hand around her so that we could both partake in illustrating our dream of our distant future. Together we drew in silence; I sketched in the details I remember; Haruna straightened lines and filled in curves. We did multiple sketches from different angles – a few with the cabin and landscaping, a view from the patio overlooking a beach and the sea, and even a sketch of the interior.

Hours ticked by, and we finally finished designing our home. By that point I think we had every detail that had cropped up in sweet nothings long past on paper, but there was still something that felt lacking. I looked through all the sketches we had and found the one of the patio. I took that one and started drawing on it furiously, the scratching of the pencil the only audible sound in the room.

I presented the completed work to Haruna. To the sketch I added the two of us in embrace, watching as the sun set over the beach. It was a gesture of what we had still had to look forward to, our future together. Haruna stared blankly at it for a moment. With a shaking hand she gingerly put a pencil on the paper and added 3 small figures on the beach, playing in the sand.

It hit me then. In the past we had never considered kids, mostly because it was believed to be impossible for Shipgirls to get pregnant. And yet we were proven tragically wrong. The loss of something once thought to be unobtainable – in the end, the outcome is the same, and yet the intangible potential and loss thereof is what is tormenting me.

And yet, that was our kid. For that moment, it was tangible; the potential became reality; it was a wish granted but tragically lost, and we have only ourselves to blame. I could feel my darling's anguish. It became my own, twisting the core of my being.

I must have started sobbing first, for the details of what happened next were fuzzy.

I awoke this morning, Haruna and I in a mutual embrace, this time with our clothes on. I am writing this now and breakfast should be brought here soon, as well as any urgent bulletins that require my attention. If the plan is to be followed, the fleet would be out of here in a few days.

For better or for worse, we will be going back to the real world soon.


End file.
